One of the most testing times in my life!!

I wanted to write this blog to fill you all in on the past 10 weeks. I have had a very testing time and feel that writing my story down is a great way for me to pick myself back up and start again.


It all started about 10 weeks ago, there I was, all set to rip it up and train hard for my upcoming comp's in NZ and in Australia. I began my comp prep as normal at the beginning of August. I started training hard, and the diet kicked into play. From the get go, I wasn't feeling myself at all and I was really struggling to find the motivation to train and stick to my diet. My body was screaming out for rest. I just put it down to over training and left it at that. Then I got hit with the flu really bad, and had to take a week off training all together. So that got me down in a big way.. My body was obviously trying to tell me something.. SLOW DOWN!!

About a week or so later, I was teaching RPM and I felt like I had been hit by a bus, I was on the bike teaching, but felt like I wasn't even there. I was on another planet and just felt like I wanted to jump off the bike and burst into tears!!

I got home and cried in my man's arms, I was so down and I couldn't understand why. I was late for my period, but I put that down to all the training. I said to Sterling, maybe we should do a pregnancy test, just for piece of mind, then we can cross that off and get to the bottom of why I was feeling so tired and miserable!

So off we went down to the pharmacy, my emotions were flying all over the place. I mean, as if I could be, and what if I was, and what will we do.

We did the test, and when I saw the result- positive- I burst out crying, I was in shock and disbelief. My first thoughts were, what about my career, my upcoming comps, my body attack presenting roll, its all over, all of these thoughts were soaring around my head.

I sat down and Sterling came and stood in front of me.. He started laughing, and had the biggest grin on his face.. He said to me.. I know this wasn't planned for us for right now, but I feel happy and I feel this has happened for a reason.. We hugged and there were tears of joy.. It was all so surreal.. OMG, we are having a baby!!!

So there we were sitting in an embrace discussing what had just happened and what we had to do next..

It was the strangest thing, once I had gotten over my ego and my own issues, I realised that this is what I have always wanted. I want to be a mother more than anything, and as much as it scares me, as it is the BIGGEST most challenging thing I will ever do in my life, I couldn't be more excited. I was looking forward to going to NZ and competing and finishing off my sports modelling career with a couple more titles, but at the end of the day, this has happened for a reason, and I can always go back to competing if I wanted to in the years to come.

The hardest decision came when I had to pull out of presenting Body Attack at the upcoming Melbourne workshops. I have been working my butt off to get up on that stage and present, but Body attack at the fitness level that is required for a quarterly is just something anyone in their 1st trimester shouldn't put their body through. Its just far too dangerous. I was so upset when I made the call to Nathan Jones(Body attack master trainer)to tell him that I had decided to stand down. I know my time will come again, I belong up there, it just means I have to work harder in a year or so to get there. But I am confident it will happen, it just gives me more drive and determination to achieve this a bit later on down the track.

It is so crazy how in one split second your whole life can change and you have to shift your focus completely away from where you were headed, and start to focus on heading in a direction that you hadn't even contemplated yet. I was on a one way track, I had all these things mapped out that I wanted to do in the next few years. But I guess that you cant always have the last say, and when you create new life with the person you love then there is NO reason why you cant bring that new life into this world.


From here my journey being pregnant gets very sad and unfortunately, we didnt have a happy ending.
We went in for our 10 week scan, we were both so excited to be able to see our wee bubs for the 1st time.
The lady doing the scan went quiet, then she said, " I dont want to alarm you but I cant find the heartbeat"
My heart sank and I burst out crying.. I just knew from that moment that it was over. We had to do an internal scan, just to be sure, and sure enough, the news was absolutely gut wrenching. The baby had died :( We had what is called a missed miscarriage. The baby had stopped living as there were abnormalitys in its formation.

She gave me and Sterls a few minutes, we lay there together in tears, this was one of the saddest moments of my life. I was in total disbelief.. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?? I gave up everything to protect our baby, I put my life on hold, and it still wasnt enough.
From that moment, everything was a blur. I was a crying mess for hours. Telling my mum and dad was so hard, they were so looking forward to becoming grandparents again.

I felt numb, it was like I was living a nightmare and I just kept expecting to wake up!
I had to go in and have surgery to have it removed the day after we found out, just like that, I wasnt pregnant anymore, I felt lost and empty!!

I have had SO much support from my friends and family, and I can not tell you how much this has helped me. My partner, even though he was grieving himself, has been a tower of strength, this whole journey has bought us closer than ever and I cant thank him enough for that!

Where to now??

I have to pick myself back up again and try and get my life back to some sort of normality. I can ask myself WHY and stay upset at this for the rest of my life, or I can accept that it is god's way, and it has happened for a reason, I have to be strong and take it day by day. I arent going to put too much pressure on myself to go out there and go hard again like I was before all this happened. I think becoming pregnant was the only thing that was going to slow me down, and boy did it do that.

I have a whole new percpective on life now, and it has opened my eyes up to the true meaning of life. Without sadness, we can not understand true happiness. We need to have the lows to appreciate the highs, that is the way life is, as hard as it is to accept sometimes.

I am going to see the year out and re-focus in the new year. We will take this opportunity to be more organised and set ourselves up to start a family when the time is right.

Obviously competing is out of the question for this year, and who knows what will come of next year. All I know is that I am thankful for all the amazing people I have in my life, I am going to take it day by day, and pick up the pieces as slow or as fast as I feel the need.


I am going to focus on getting my fitness back up, and enjoy a great summer with my amazing man, and my beautiful friends.
What ever the future holds, it looks bright, there is always light at the end of the tunnel!

Juz x